My son saves me

I credit my son with saving my life.  He has done and will continue to do so.  I remember a conversation with my sister weeks after the in vitro procedure that resulted in my perfect little man.  I remember saying to her that when you are a single person with no children, you are naturally very self-centered because there is no one to think of and make decisions for except yourself.  It is not snobbery or selfishness because it is not usually intentional.  It is just the natural way of progression when your life consists of one person.  I am also not calling this a character flaw.  It is what it is. 

The conversation with my sister was this, "I am tired of having only myself to care for and to love."  And then... Aiden was born.  And he saved my life... in more ways than one.

Suddenly, looking at this little perfect pouty-lipped face in the hospital bed, I spent the 3 hospital days thinking of what I wanted for this child and how we were going to get there together.  I did some real soul-searching that first night (okay, maybe the second night... the first night I think I just crashed hard after 36 hours of hard labor) and found that there were holes in my life that needed to be repaired, cut out or filled.

In the last 20 months, I have gained an even stronger connection with God, I have changed my language (no longer like a sailor...), eating habits, exercise routine, work schedule, and schooling.  I havegladly given up the high-powered career that I once fought 70 hours a week for.  I have given up cheese and butter.  I have become friends with Mr. Treadmill (although I still classify him as a villain).  I have prayed more than in the rest of my years of life combined.

What I am will be a direct reflection of what my son will be - or at least what he will consider to be normal.  I hope that by the time my son can look back on his childhood, he will say that his mother had fun, patience, healthy habits, and a strong spirituality. 

A good friend of mine said, "Your son has taken the hard edges and softened them.  Relaxed the stress lines in your personality."  What a beautiful compliment for my son.   

And that is why I have done what I have done.  I am doing it to say thank you to the son who saved me.

Choice

There is a online parenting community to which I belong.  There are many groups within that community and one is specifically for single parents.  I have found over the last 19 months of single-parenthood that I have little or nothing in common with many of the single mothers in that group.  Today I made the momentous decision to cut the cord that is the Single Mom Group.

I have questioned, over the last 19 months, why the only topics that can be discussed on the aforementioned board include the hatred of the following:  the ex.  The baby-daddy.  The ex's family.  Custody battles.  The ex's lawyer.  Being tired.  Being poor.  Being alone.  Being celibate.  Working.  Depression.  Kids that get on the nerves.

So, in celebration of being a single mother, I will shout from the rooftops that I love, love, LOVE! being a single mother.  I love the screaming toddler.  I love cuddling with my sweet boy after a long day at work.  I love the dishes, the laundry, the mess, the diaper changes, the tantrums, the bills, the stress, the sleepless nights.  I love it all.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

There were days that I would reach my level of stress.  One day, I stepped outside my meager, small apartment to have some peace.  Then, I realized that this is the life that I was born for.  I could choose, yes, choose, to be stressed or revel in every minute of this life with my beautiful boy.

I chose that day to fix his Thomas the Tank Engine fourteen, fifteen, sixteen times and not lose patience.  I lay on the floor with my son and played.  I was the bossy engine, Spencer, and we played and played and played.

My own single mother who raised ten children alone once said, "Our lives are a culmination of our choices."  After she passed away, I have thought that phrase nearly every day.  I am where I am because of my choices in my life.

I chose to eat poorly and not exercise, so therefore, I am overweight.  I chose the career field that I work in, so I am stuck in a field that may never pay well.  I chose to being a single mom, therefore, I am that choice and everything that comes with it.  I can choose to be upset about it, but in the end, it is my own choice.

And it is my choice to react how I will.

I choose JOY!

Holiday Blues

I live in an apartment filled with other single mothers, like myself, and due to an active church life, I was able to socialize with many of them during our church hours.  December seemed to slow down exponentially to us, as a whole.  One would think that the holidays would speed by in a flurry of hustle and jingling bustle.  Not so.

The majority of us had a slow, plodding, anxious December - and for good reason.  One mother wisely commented that there was no reason to stress about the parking at the mall because she had absolutely no money that could be spent there.    None of us did.  WalMart, maybe, but never Toys R Us.  Her logic was sound.  "I buy a $6 Barbie at WalMart or a $20 Barbie elsewhere and in three weeks, the hair is just as tangled and the mini-plastic shoes are just as destroyed by the dog.  They will forget they wanted that Barbie or that game.  They will play with what will be opened.  I will have guilt for not providing for their every whim, then in January I will congratulate myself for teaching my children about gratitude for smaller things and for not increasing my credit card debt.   All will be well."

So, I ask, now that January 7th is here, do your children still mention that toy they didn't receive?  Yeah, mine doesn't either.